Usually when I go quiet on here, it's a sign that everything in my deaf world is tickety-boo and marvellous. It's a sign that I am comfortable in my deaf skin and ambling my way through life with the level of accessibility that I need. Usually the silences are good.
I'd be lying if I said this was the case right now.
I've taken a new job. I love this job. Fiercely love this job. But it is very hard, both in the subject matter I am having to get my head around for it and in the fact that it's a much more corporate environment that I am normally used to.
There are meetings. Lots of them. There are global meetings. Which means there is Skype for Business.
My team has been amazing. They've done video instead of voice calls at 7am, which no one should be forced to do, and helped me when the reception goes juddery and I miss the key point of a whole 20-minute phone call. It's not my team that is the problem.
I seem to have lost my ability to say 'Hello, I am DG, I am deaf but completely able to do this job amazingly well, however here's how I have to do it differently to everyone else...' and then refused take part in 14-people Skype for Business calls.
I have lost faith in the fact that I am good enough in spite of my deafness and I am becoming increasingly crippled by worries that not being able to take part in Skype calls will in some way harm my fledgling career in this industry.
I AM BEING AN IDIOT (although I don't think the above worry is completely unjustified).
But in all honestly, what will really harm my career is pretending that I can do the Skype calls and then floundering around like a fish out of water whenever I hear anything that sounds even remotely like my name on that call... neutral answers don't work well on important business calls. This is not chit chat in a loud bar.
So it seems that I am having a deafness wobble. I haven't had one of them in quite some time. But I am deafinitely having one now.
The unemployment statistic for deaf people hangs around my consciousness like the bad car that used to follow the Top Gear guys on their Christmas Specials. It's always there whispering in my ear, which is remarkable really because I can't hear whispering.
Over the years, I've given so many people bolstering chats about how to be assertive in the workplace as a deaf person but recently it's all gone out of the window for me, and I don't know what to do to change that.
So yes, here's a blog. It's about struggling with my deafness. Something I haven't done for a really long time. Something that's hit me quite out of the blue.
Life's a bitch sometimes. Life would be easier if I could make phone calls and follow Skype for Business video calls more easily. But would that make me any better at my job. I really hope not. I hope that I am good enough as I am. And it's that thought I am hanging on to while I am hanging in there.
Happy Tuesday peeps.