I went to IKEA last night with London Aunt – we achieved a lot and had to sit down and have a rest in the warehouse, aisle 39, section 8. People stared...
and quite frankly, we didn't care.
There's something very weird about that place – I always get really excited about going and then as I trawl around the room views, I gradually get more and more dispirited. By the time I get to the market place my inspiration has gone and I end up putting some napkins and a bowl in my trolley that I never knew I needed. Very occasionally I will toy with the idea of buying a plant... but all my plants tend to die. So I don't.
What I don't understand though is why, at 9.30 at night, there are whole families in IKEA – is it the latest fun night out and I was the last to find out? While queueing for the checkout last night I had to clamber over no less than three squawking hyperactive toddlers while trying not to drop my bowl on their heads – would it be seen to be an accident I wonder?
I then had to contend with an entire family blocking the gangway as they excitedly added ketchup to their hot dogs and claimed their unlimited refills of fizzy pop.
London Aunt and I by this time were starting to lose the plot somewhat so she took me to McDonalds for tea. And it was there it all started to go wrong.
You see, I don't go for Maccie Ds much anymore – all I wanted was a cheeseburger, chips and diet coke. But the guy kept asking me all these questions. Through my IKEA brain fuzz I had absolutely no idea what he was saying and ended up saying pardon more times than I have done in my entire deaf life, which is quite something.
In the end London Aunt stepped in to translate and I finally got my meal...
and felt hungry 10 minutes later...
I know the nutritional answer for why McDonalds never fills you up, but it never ceases to amaze me how you can eat almost your entire calorie intake for one day and still fancy toast 10 minutes after finishing it.
IKEA and McDonalds – two things I don't understand – that look fulfilling from the outside but somehow leaving me feeling shellshocked and empty... respectively.
Hmmm think I'll have a salad for lunch and do some internet shopping.