This morning, I woke up at 4.45 am. I lay there for a while, sleep seemed like an impossibility.
I then looked at my phone and answered a text mesage from SuperCathyfragilemystic about the weekend – I forgot to tell her it was a techno dance festival I'd invited her to as part of my Superdrug Summer Insider prize, and she was dreaming of hippies, flowers, tea and cake.
And then I started writing this…
*yawn (It's now 5am)
When I wake up in the night, I always wonder whether it was sound that woke me. Whether my ears hear better when I'm asleep! They certainly hear better in my dreams, which I love - sometimes I have whole dreams that are spoken in whispers just because I guess my subconscious knows it can!
But on this occasion, it could have been the things digging into my back when I rolled over that woke me up – my glasses.
You see, because I can't hear at night, in the dark, and I am also very blind, I always have my glasses close to hand, and sometimes even on my face when I sleep – I have a designated old pair so I don't trash my nice Marc Jacobs ones.
Anyway, it basically means that if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can at least see something.
Well that's the plan. But it doesn't really work if you wake up lying on them.
I find I have a definite, unshakable need to be able to see, all the time. Except when my eyes are closed of course.
My sight, however short, is to me, my last remaining useful sense. If I can't see, I feel trapped in my own head, kind of claustrophobic if you will.
I remember once, going to an idyllic cottage in the middle of nowhere, settling down to bed, turning out the light and totally freaking out. There in front of my eyes was nothingness. It was the scariest thing.
But right now, writing this on Pinkberry, the glasses are off – I accidentally popped both lenses out when I squashed them – so I'm writing this with the screen held very near to my nose. I'm also being forced to confront my blurry world, both visually and audibly.
There's a low rumble of a plane, a vague outline of the window and that is it.
It's not so bad.
Facing my fears at 5am! What a constructive way to spend insomnia.
Time to see if I can sleep again, I think.