Wednesday, 28 October 2009

My body's not talking to me

OK, so I'm still not up to scratch on daily blogging.

It's annoying me. It's annoying me that it takes so long to get back to normal.

Everything is frustrating me today. I'm feeling tired and I have a headache. My jeans are tight because my stomach is swollen. I found myself worrying about whether the swelling would go down, or whether I'd end up with a pot belly, when before my flat stomach was one of the things I liked best about me.

And then I realised that i'm worrying more about my appearance than my health, which is worrying in itself.

The problem is, my health is not communicating with me, but my appearance is. I don't know how I'm healing inside. I don't know if my appendix-free bowel is happier that way, or if it's continuing the self harm that got it in this mess in the first place. I don't know, if beneath the swelling, everthing is knitting together as it should.

My appearance however, that's communicating. The bruises are now a tasteful mustard colour and my main scar is an angry red, with mottled skin either side. It looks mad... kinda like a scowl.

My belly button is a completely different shape, too - with a long slice down the middle - it looks like a soft toy with a cracked eye.

It doesn't normally bother me and I normally hate feeling sorry for myself. But today I was just thinking about when I would get back to being how I normally am. I have no idea when this will be. I mean, my head is telling me, this was just surgery, lots of people have this every day.

Shouldn't I be fine now? When should I be fine?

Even if I wasn't deaf, I don't think I'd hear the answer from my body right now. My appearance is sulking so it's no help either.

Guess I'll just have to sit tight a while longer, just until they all start talking to me again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well if your body won't talk to you, I will! Sorry to hear recovery is not swift enough... But isn't it what recoveries are about? Keep on checking, your scar may start smiling :-)

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