Today is Thankful Friday and it's pretty easy to work out what I'm going to be thankful for – getting most of what hearing I had left back…
After the shock of waking up on Wednesday and realising that the loudness of the Pavlov's Dog gig had brought on something a bit more long-lasting than just a few hours of tinny, muted hearing, I've never been more thankful than I am right now to have what seems like most of it back.
On Wednesday, I couldn't hear my television, I could barely hear the words my colleagues were saying and even using my lipreading skills I was struggling to work out what was going on.
It threw me in to quite a spin. It made me realise I've been taking my hearing for granted, focusing on my deafness instead. Now, I see what I do have in a completely new and appreciative light.
I have some hearing – this is wonderful. Sure, if a hearing person woke up and had what I had, they'd probably run around screaming in panic, but I like what I have. It's what I've always known give or take a dip or two in my teens.
This means I have mixed feelings about the fact I have an audiology appointment next week. After a four-year break from the whole thing, I recently decided that I should see what hearing aids are out there and if they can help me hear any better.
It's not really about wanting to hear more, it's about wanting to get through meetings without feeling crashingly tired from having to rely on lipreading and it's actually a little bit about wanting people to know I can't hear rather than assuming I am being rude. After all, I'm proud of my deafness – I don't mind who knows I can't hear and I'd much rather they knew than thought I was simply ignoring them.
The thing is though, on Wednesday morning when I woke up extra deaf, the only thing I could compare it to was how I have felt in the past on taking my hearing aids out at night after a complete day of wearing them.
The last time I did this, I wept at the silence that met me… even though deep down I knew it was just because hearing aids had amplified everything more.
I guess I'm also proud of how well I do without hearing aids. Proud that I get by and the idea of relying on something that might break, get dropped down the toilet or lost (THIS IS ME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT AFTER ALL), scares the crap out of me.
As I sit here typing this on the bus, I'm struggling to work out how to finish this blog – there doesn't seem to be a natural end to it, it's like a circle, which is quite appropriate really, because whether I get hearing aids, wear hearing aids and like hearing aids is also a bit of a circular journey with my existing hearing at the beginning and the end.
I feel incredibly lucky that I am relatively happy with the hearing that I have. Sure, I miss being able to hear things like violins, flutes, speech and alarms, but on a plus, this also means I cannot hear hungry cats and babies that are whining in the middle of the night and my neighbour when she goes into one of her high-pitched yelling moments…
If, four years on from the last time, there are better aids for me, then I shall definitely try them. Shall I definitely try them?
And there we go, I'm right back where I started.
Which isn't really a bad place to be.
Happy weekend peeps.