Oh boy, what a morning it's been!
So far today, in the two hours I've been up, I have put my foot down the toilet, fallen out of the shower, seen my car get blocked in on a yellow line by four gigantic wheely bins and had to move the said wheely bins across the road and back again before I could leave for work.
In addition to this, I kneed a working guide dog in the face and smacked a fellow commuter around the head with my Pukka Tea bag for life.
My catastrophic cacophony of events began in the shower, when I reached to put my shampoo down, slipped on the gradient of my bath and fell in a flailing force of velocity onto my bathroom floor.
Dusting myself off and a little bit shocked, I got dressed and checked out of my bedroom window for available parking spaces to move my car to from the yellow line on which it was currently residing. There was one right outside my flat.
Next, I re-entered the bathroom to shut the window, missed the part where I needed to put the loo seat down to reach the window lock and put my entire foot in the loo, socks, skinny jeans, the lot.
Cold and soggy, I let out a yelp, threw the offending items in the washing machine – minus the loo – and checked the state of the road again.
Now, last night, when I moved my car, I parked it in the only available space, half in a space and half on a yellow line. This involved backing up very very closely to a rather shiny Lotus Elise. The success of this great plan rested on the hope that nothing got put in front of my car. And so, on my second glance out of the window I discovered four gigantic tubular silver wheely bins, practically resting on my bumper and just 15 minutes to get my car off the yellow line before the traffic wardens turned up. A little bit peeved, I rolled up my sleeves and moved the bins, one by one, heaving and and ho-ing them across to the other side of the street while trying to remain in control of them so I didn't accidentally wheel them into a parked car.
And so my car was free. But I had unintentionally blocked my neighbour's gate, as I discovered when he angrily stormed out of his gate and gesticulated wildly at the bins. And so, I moved them each one by one, all the way back to the other side of the road towards the awfully shiny Lotus Elise, aware by this point that I was now in fact so late for work that it almost warranted a half day.
And that was my morning. In my haste for the bus, a poor guide dog sat in the aisle got my knee in his nose and then an idiot girl who had an empty seat by her but wouldn't stand up to move out the way got clonked on the head by my bag as I shuffled into the seat by the window.
And now? Well, I am sitting as still as possible on this bus, well aware that in my currently run of luck, anything could happen.
This morning it would seem, bad things come in dozens... Bakers' dozens!